The British media, the Daily Mail in particular, love tallying the toll that age takes on the formerly beautiful. Every other day, it seems, there's a story about how absolutely awful it is that a one-time Bond girl or supermodel has developed cellulite or crow's feet. Look how the mighty have fallen, the paper seems to gloat. Strangely, the related fascination of the Mail is at botched plastic surgery. If you're a celebrity, you're either punished for getting older or you're punished for trying not to look any older.
Comes now Britt Eklund, whom the Mail says has "trout pout." What's that, you wonder? It's collagen implants that make the lips pucker like the face of a fish. The Mail helpfully includes photos of other actresses suffering from the same ailment, including Meg Ryan.
I love the headline on this Daily Mail story: "I Lost Everything After Succumbing to the Office Piranha's Seduction." (Trout? Piranha? What is it with the Mail and fish?) It's the sad tale of a married father of two who...well allow me to let him explain: "I was reeled in hook, line and sinker by a woman who deliberately set out to find a husband. She knew I was married and that my wife was pregnant, but she still targeted me for herself. She seemed happy to try to seduce me and then destroy my marriage in the hope that I would marry her."
And guess what? Her diabolical plan almost worked! Britain has banned smoking in pubs and hunting foxes. Surely Parliament can introduce legislation banning office piranhas.
According to today's Daily Mail, 1,000 binge drinkers are hospitalized every day in Britain. According to today's Daily Telegraph, 500 marijuana users are hospitalized every week in Britain. By my rough, back-of-the-envelope calculations, by 2046 every person in Britain will have been hospitalized for one or the other.
In other news, a dog in Wigan missed his late feline friend so much that he dug up his dead body and carried it into the house. Reports the Times: "Arthur [the cat] is now reburied in a secure grave. And Oscar [the dog] has a new playmate, a kitten called Limpet." I'm guessing Limpet sleeps with one eye open.
According to the Telegraph, a chapel outside Manchester is going to be heated with power obtained by burning corpses at a nearby crematorium. Ashes to ashes, dust to BTUs.
Finally, if you're flying to Fiji, make sure to ask for a seat in the "non-urinating" section: "Urinating Soldier Blamed for Falling Fiji Tourism."
Gargoyle(s) of the Week
This window is absolutely encrusted with the guys:
I really should write down the names of where I take these pictures. I've forgotten where I took this one. It might have been Christ Church. Definitely in Oxford, though.
You know what would be really funny: if inside this building you could see the bodies of these 13 figures, crouched over on all fours, their heads stuck out through the wall.
It's a rainy day here in Oxford, a day to go to the library, if only going to the library didn't involve going out into the rain. Whatever the weather in your neck of the woods, have a great weekend.